Dear Most Esteemed and Knowledgeable Kitties:
My boyfriend and I of seven years decided to go our separate ways when our lease is up in a month. We have two cats, one is 4 years old and the other is 2. They snuggle and groom each other and play all the time. He is taking the 4-year-old for sure because she picked him as hers years ago. The 2-year-old likes us both evenly, maybe me just the slightest bit more. Would be be traumatizing to them if he takes the 4-year-old and I take the 2-year-old? My initial reaction was not to separate them and let him take both but the more I sit here the more I want to take one. I am not thinking clearly as my father died two weeks ago and then I get this bomb dropped on me I am losing my significant other and my girls (the cats). Thank you for your honest insight.
~ Michelle
Thomas: Before we even start, Michelle, we want to extend you our condolences and compassion during this really tragic time in your life. Even one of these things would knock most people on their butts, but to have three all at once? We’re amazed you’re still even functioning!
Bella: Ultimately we think it’s going to be best if the cats stay together since they seem to be a bonded pair. But maybe you can “borrow” the 2-year-old for a few nights to help you settle into your new place.
Thomas: If you and your ex do decide to temporarily split custody of the cats, it’s important for both of you to carefully monitor each cat’s behavior. If either of the cats starts acting strange, it’s time to call off the split-custody arrangement.
Bella: When you do bring the cats back together, hopefully they’ll be as glad to see each other as they ever were and they’ll welcome each other with open paws.
Thomas: If they seem to be hesitant or start acting weirdly, you’ll want to reintroduce them using this technique from feline behaviorist Pam Johnson-Bennett. (Even though this article says it’s for aggressive cats, you may find this helpful if the two cats don’t recognize each other because they’ll smell different from living in different houses.)
Bella: Please be sure that wherever you move is pet-friendly, because we think it’ll be a big help for you to have a cat or two around.
Thomas: As we mentioned in an earlier post, we’d strongly encourage you to adopt adult cats — their personalities are fully formed, and they may just have gone through a breakup of their own!
Bella: The wonderful thing about cats and people is that we can help each other get through those hard times, and when we’re going through similar things, we can take strength from one another.
Thomas: Back to the temporary custody thing, Michelle — you and your ex will know within a day if it’s going to work out or if the cats are pining for each other.
Bella: If the cats aren’t doing well without each other, bring the 2-year-old back to your ex, reintroduce them, and find yourself a wonderful furry friend of your own.
Thomas: How about you other readers? Would you recommend that Michelle go with temporary custody, permanent custody of one cat, or forget even temporary custody and adopt a new cat or two of her own when she moves to her new home? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
JaneA Kelley is a punk rock cat mom and award-winning blogger. She is a regular columnist for Catster Magazine, and she and the Paws and Effect Gang share a home in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
Michelle, I am so sorry your relationship didn’t work out right after the loss of your father.
But as much as you want to keep the 2 year old, it might be best to let the ex take them both since they are bonded together.
Being bonded especially with the age difference is very special.
There are so many cats that need a home and adult cats are great! The people that work at the shelters can help you find that special friend whether you want a playful or snuggler or whatever, these animals have a lot of love to give.
While I understand the predicament you’re in, I would wait to take one of the cats with you until you’re fully settled into your new home. And even then. Territory is sooo important to cats – moreso than relationships tend to be, as it is directly responsible for their sense of safety. It can really stress them to be removed from it and should be handled correctly – using a safe room. it can take them up to a week to really adjust to a new home. To then move them back to the other home is…once again, really stressful and a bit of a catch 22. The cat would take up to a week to adjust to their new home and within two weeks they lose that ‘nest smell’. Meaning, that you’d have to move the within two weeks again back to see the other cat and even then there is no guarantee that they won’t have a falling out as the cat that has been moved would smell ‘outdoorsy’ and bring in foreign scents. Doing it after two weeks would indicate a need to not only re-introduce them to the house, but also to each other, and there is no guarantee they’ll like each other (for instance,I have a kitty who wanted nothing to do with her own brothers when she saw them again, after they were re-homed) – which again, is a stressful procedure.
Personally, I would go for a permanent home – either separate them or don’t. Potentially, you could step-by-step teach them to get comfortable with trips to see each other, but that would be a very long training process and I’m not quite clear on how often you still would like to see your ex.
Have you thought about giving another kitty a new home? There is plenty that need your love and it might be a nice way to mark a new chapter in your life. I know – it is hard to leave those you love behind, though. Alternatively, you could take one kitty with – but you’ll have to introduce her properly to your new home, and observe her to see if she misses her companion and could potentially do with a new one.
Either way, I commend you for thinking about their needs while you’re going through this difficult time. I wish you and your cats all the best.
Either of them should sacrifice for the sake of the cats. Definitely. If the two separate, why cascade it down to their cats? I haven’t owned a cat yet. I flirted with the idea of owning one and even visited a family who had advertised to give two out of four very-close-to-each-other cats for adoption. Looking at the photo of all the four cats hugging onto each other during sleep, I backed off, let the four stay together!